


Flowers in the Dirt

by obi_ki



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:15:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24511405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obi_ki/pseuds/obi_ki
Summary: Obi-Wan struggles with the changes in his life after Naboo.
Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Comments: 12
Kudos: 29
Collections: Master Apprentice Archive





	Flowers in the Dirt

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to LadyDisDayne for her wonderful beta. As always I couldn't resist a few changes so all mistakes are mine. Everything Star Wars belongs to George and the House of Mouse. I am just borrowing for a bit.   
> The Title comes from a beautiful grieving song from Paul Mccartney.  
> This is more Angsty than my norm--I blame it on the Infinite Sadness Obi-Wan crew in the Qui/Obi dicord.

As the door to their quarters slid closed, Obi-Wan let out an exhausted sigh. Although he had been fully dressed when Anakin emerged from his room for breakfast, he’d still been wearing yesterday’s clothes. As this date approached, getting even a few hours of sleep had gone from difficult to impossible. After untold nights of excruciating nightmares, he’d finally given up and traded sleep for meditation. When the nightmare images invaded his meditations, he gave up on that as well.

Rising from the table, Obi-Wan made his way back to his bedroom. Truth be told, he’d like nothing more than to crawl into his bed and hide until this day was over. But that would be an affront not only to his master’s memory but also to his teachings. 

Pulling a set of clean clothing from the dresser, Obi-Wan put the items on the bed. Removing his belt, he placed it on top of his tunics and undressed. He went into the refresher, turned on the water and stepped under the spray. He stood unmoving for a long while, hoping the hot water would penetrate the cold that had permeated his being. At some point, habit must have taken over because when awareness returned, soap was dripping from his hair. It took only another minute to rinse off and wrap himself in a towel. 

Back in his room, Obi-Wan dressed by rote and headed into the common room. He pulled on his boots, grabbed his robe from the hook by the door and headed out. Donning his hood, he started down the hallway. Those he passed acknowledged his unspoken request for privacy, so it didn’t take him long to reach the archway into the garden complex.

The Temple gardens were divided into an array of different environments, benches and grottoes were distributed among lush foliage, bubbling streams, sandy beaches and stone pathways. Although all were open to everyone, most Jedi had one or two favorite areas that they frequented most often. Over the years, Obi-Wan had spent time in every expanse, but since becoming a padawan he had spent the majority of his meditation time in the wilderness zone. The density of life that imbued the area had made it Qui-Gon’s favorite, so as such it had become their chosen meditation spot 

As the years passed and Obi-Wan matured from a boy to a man, he found his relationship with Qui-Gon maturing as well. Over their twelve years together, his teacher had shifted through roles as a father figure, a mentor, a friend, until finally crossing over into the one that encompassed all of that and so much more. Becoming lovers had solidified their partnership and, as they had embarked on that path, they had found a small grotto in the east corner of the garden that had become their special place. He had lost track of the number of times he and Qui-Gon had knelt or sat under the Chinar tree that grew in the far corner of the grotto, partaking in discussions about mission results, political theory, Temple gossip, and everything in between. The first time they had spoken of their love for one another they had been sheltered under the tree. Discussion of their bonding had been undertaken there. Their private bonding vows had been exchanged beneath its branches. 

Since they had discovered the grotto, walking into it had always brought Obi-Wan joy and peace. Until Naboo.

As he approached the entrance to the grotto today, Obi-Wan’s footsteps slowed. Although he and Anakin had visited the wilderness area at few times, he had never taking his padawan into the grotto itself. He himself had only entered the grotto once since that fateful day and it had been extremely difficult. Suddenly, he found himself overwhelmed by the memories of his last visit. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upon his return to Coruscant from Naboo, Obi-Wan had gone to the Temple arboretum and acquired a Chinar sapling. Tree in hand, he made his way to gardens. Stopping first in the Room of a Thousand Fountains, he submerged the root ball of the tree in one of the side ponds until it was saturated. Replacing it in its growing pot, he took a meandering path through the various gardens until he found the strength to enter the secluded grotto. 

Setting the seedling on the ground, Obi-Wan settled onto his knees under the Chinar tree. Pain, longing, anger and almost unbearable grief rushed through him and tears slipped out from beneath his closed eyelids. All the plans they had for their lives after Obi-Wan’s knighting had vanished with the stroke of the red bladed staff. This was the first time he had really allowed the reality of the situation to sink into him. Duty had commandeered all his attention since the battle and he had buried his emotions as deeply as possible just to get through the days. 

Opening his eyes, Obi-Wan placed his hands against the trunk of the tree. “Why, Master? Why didn’t you wait for me?” he whispered, “We vowed to face every obstacle in our lives together. Did you not trust me?” He wiped away the tears still falling on the sleeve of his robe and buried his face in his hands. 

Suddenly, a gentle breeze replaced the stillness of the garden air, ruffling through his hair in a motion reminiscent of long fingers trailing through the short strands. Lifting his head, Obi-Wan looked up at the Chinar branches but found that the broad leaves showed no hint of movement. He turned towards the sapling and saw one leaf on it moving as if it had been stroked with a finger. When the echo of the fingers in his hair repeated, he looked around in astonishment. “Master?” he queried, hope welling inside him even as he wondered if he was losing his mind. 

His reply was the hint of a fingertip tracing over his cheek, a duplication of Qui-Gon’s final gesture as he lay dying in Obi-Wan’s arms. Swallowing his tears, he spoke again. “Why? We could have faced him together and, whatever happened, we would have lived it together.” The tattered end of their pair bond pulsed in his mind and a wash of love and overwhelming protectiveness filled him. “No,” he whispered, realization rushing through him. “How could you do this to me, to us? I can’t do this, I’m alone and broken. I don’t know how to do what I promised. Anakin needs an experienced master, not a newly minted Knight whose heart has been shattered and has trouble just getting through the days. He needs you.” 

Feelings of love, confidence, and pride continued to flow over the shattered bond and, as they did, Obi-Wan felt something in the bond altering.

Disbelief and hope warred within Obi-Wan as he turned his focus inward and examined his end of the bond. As he watched, a tiny blue filament began to sprout out from the frayed end.

“Is this real or am I going crazy?” Obi-Wan asked as the thread brightened for a moment and the feel of on a finger on his cheek returned. Another whisper of air flowed around him before both the breeze and the touch faded away. Another wash of love seeped through the bond before the glow of the filament faded. A stab of fear went through him as the glow disappeared but much to his relief the new filament remained attached to his end of the bond. 

Obi-Wan remained kneeling at the base of the tree, dropping into a meditative trance to review the last few minutes. As he examined each moment of the event, he could feel the Force supporting his belief that he really had connected, at least in a small way, with Qui-Gon. When he reached to confirm if it would continue, the Force was sadly silent. 

When Obi-Wan surfaced from his meditation, he rose from his knees and picked up the pot with the Chinar sapling. Moving to the western corner of the grotto, he placed the pot beside him and dug a hole using only the Force. When the hole was a proper size, he reached into his belt pouch and took out the silk bag that had travelled back from Naboo with him. Grief welled up in him again as he slowly opened the outer drawstring closure of the bag and looked down at the sealed contents of the plasteen liner, before breaking the seal and sliding the closure open. 

Kneeling beside the hole, Obi-Wan tipped the bag until the majority of the contents drifted into the hole. “Beloved,” he whispered as the ashes settled on the moist dirt at the bottom, “May you find peace within the Living Force, joining with the life in this special place until we can once again be together.” The tears running down his face joined with the ash, darkening it to mix seamlessly with the dirt. He pulled the sapling from the pot, placed it within the hole, and used the Force to cover the roots with the dirt he had removed. 

Obi-Wan had no idea how long he remained kneeling beside the sapling. Emotions finally unleashed, he wept all the tears he had been hiding since that awful day, his heart breaking a little more as each one fell. 

Finally, empty and exhausted, Obi-Wan rose to his feet, picked up the empty planter, and left the grotto without looking back. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steeling his resolve, Obi-Wan shook himself from the memories and continued through the area. Much to his relief, the wilderness gardens were unoccupied so he made his way to the grotto without any interference.

He smiled when he saw that the little sapling had doubled in height and width and was covered with an abundance of dark green waxy leaves. Stroking a leaf with his fingertips, Obi-Wan settled on his knees beside the small tree.

After a moment he spoke, “For a long time, I resented all the changes in my life. Every night, the nightmares would come, and I would watch the saber pierce your chest and hold you as you made me promise to train the boy, and then died again in my arms. I was so shattered that some days I even resented the fact that I had achieved my lifelong goal of becoming a Jedi Knight.” 

A wisp of concern filtered into the bond as Obi-Wan reached down and stroked his hand along the smooth bark of the young tree. “It was so hard to focus on my duty, my responsibilities. Sleep became something to be avoided at all cost so I would lay in bed for hours focusing on the blue filament extending from the stump of our bond. Sometimes it would glow a bit, other times feelings of love would flow from it. I missed you so much and, as I held on to that thread, all I wanted was to find a way for us to be together again.”

He wiped away the tears that dripped into his beard before continuing, “Anakin was spending most of his time with the initiate clans, working to fill the holes in his education. He is street smart and his mechanical knowledge is greater than most masters, but his reading, writing, and history knowledge is understandably lacking.” 

“So, while Anakin focused on catching up, the Council sent me on solo missions. I’m ashamed to admit that there were a number of times I was very reckless. I took inane risks to complete the missions, not even considering the possible consequences to me. My survival was not even a factor in my choices. In some cases, the thought of dying for duty was much more appealing than continuing to live.”

As he spoke the words, Obi-Wan sensed dismay pulsing into the bond. “I was trapped in my grief, broken and struggling to go on. There is no death, there is the Force is the most illogical line of the Jedi code. By the end of the first cycle after Naboo, everyone expected me to have released my emotions into the Force and moved forward. It was a horrendously lonely time for me as there was no one for me to even talk to about my feelings.” 

Obi-Wan was silent for a while, transferring the tears from his cheeks onto the dark green leaves of the tree. When the tears finally stopped, he continued, “As Anakin and I began to develop a relationship, things began to change. When missions went awry and I had to improvise, thoughts of Anakin would push me away from my more suicidal options.”

“I was so angry when your final words to me were about Anakin,” Obi-Wan choked out. “It felt like a slap in the face, like all of our years together didn’t mean anything.” He took a few deep breaths and touched the blue thread that glowed in his mind. “Master, I understand now why you made me promise to train Anakin. You didn’t do it for Anakin, you did it for me.” 

Obi-Wan reached into his belt pouch and grasped the black stone that had been his constant companion since he’d been thirteen. “I know that you are with me, watching over me,” he declared. The wave of love that came back to him threatened to bring back his tears. “And I am grateful for whatever little piece of you I have. But it’s not the same and having Anakin in my life fills a little bit of that void.” He stroked his fingertips along another leaf. “I will keep my promise, Master. Anakin will become a Jedi.”

Obi-Wan rose to his feet and placed his left hand on the trunk of the sapling. “Until we are together again, my love.” He turned and walked from the grotto without a backward glance and this time he didn’t bother to wipe away his tears. 


End file.
